Your Boundaries Don't Disappear When the Baby Arrives

Somewhere between the baby shower and the baby’s first pediatrician appointment, a lot of new parents somehow stop enforcing their own limits and start saying “yes” to things they don’t really want to say “yes” to.

But it's understandable and relatable! You're exhausted, everyone around you has opinions, and saying “yes” feels easier than the conversation that comes with saying “no.” The first time, it’s just a one-time thing so you let it slide, right? But then you let more things slide: You let the visit run two hours past what you agreed to. You answer the Slack message during your first week home. And suddenly, it’s a slippery slope and then you're six months in, resentful, depleted, and wondering how you got here.

Guess what? Boundaries didn't become less important when you became a parent. They became more important, and with higher stakes than ever.

A boundary is the limit you set for yourself within a relationship, defining what you'll accept and what you won't. It's not a wall or an out-right rejection. It's just information about how you want to be treated. Boundaries are not designed to create distance between people but rather to improve the quality of relationships.

🥦 Healthy boundaries look like knowing what you need, saying it out loud, and holding it firm when someone pushes back. You also can respect it when other people set boundaries with you.

🚧 Porous boundaries look like over-sharing, difficulty saying no, or accepting disrespect because you're afraid of what saying something will cost you.

🛑 Rigid boundaries look like keeping everyone at a distance, rarely asking for help, and avoiding closeness to protect yourself from rejection.

Most of us don't land in a neat category across all relationships. We're porous with our moms and rigid with our colleagues. We may hold our work limits firmly, but let our partners run right over our personal ones, and that’s okay!

But how can you improve your boundaries as a new parent?

There's a simple structure that works: Acknowledge the other person's perspective, say what you're declining, and then say what you will accept instead.

Example 1—"I know you want to come over this weekend. We're keeping visitors to one per week right now while we find our footing. Can we plan for the following Saturday?"

Example 2—"I know you fed your baby formula. I respect that choice and know it was right for you. We are making the best choice for our family. I don’t want to talk about our decision anymore."

The more you practice saying your boundaries out loud, the less charged it feels. 

Is there something you've wanted to say no to that you haven't yet? If this resonates, what's stopped you? The fear of rejection? Someone's reaction? Not wanting to seem difficult or opinionated?

That answer gives you a data point to work on. Remember, a boundary that lives only in your head isn't a boundary, it's just a hope.

We’re on your side,

Lauran Arledge & The Bold Parents Team

🏢  Have a question about defining your family values? Learn more by downloading our free values workbook to get clear on what truly matters to you today.

📓  Want to learn more about types of boundaries? The Bold Parents Journal includes a tool for working through your porous, rigid, and healthy boundaries starting on page 95.

📲 More of this on Instagram. We post weekly tools, real talk, and reminders that you're not alone.

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